Positive Thinking

When I was a kid, I would often read, in my father’s papers and magazines, an advert from an outfit called The Pelman Institute. This worthy organisation was dedicated to curing those of us who suffered from what they referred to as “a grasshopper mind.” This, it seemed, was a propensity to lack concentration, to leap from topic to topic and thus fail to accomplish anything.

I was a worrying child, in many ways, I think, and this statement worried me no end. For I had taken a keen interest in grasshoppers and this seemed a slight upon them. In my experience, they would spend some considerable time pondering on whatever it is grasshoppers ponder on, before taking a leap, presumably to find another subject on which to ponder. Quite a thoughtful lot, I felt.

Then I got to thinking that perhaps the Pelman Institute was right. For my research had not concentrated on grasshoppers, but had included all sorts of insectivore life that flourished in our garden. Perhaps, to avoid having a grasshopper mind, I should have concentrated on earwigs, for instance. I envisaged the Pelman Building as a lofty edifice in Regent Street, crowded with dome headed professors, all striving to bring their students thoughts to the correct level of single-mindedness, and I wondered just what was the incidence of grasshopper minds. I looked around at my fellows in my class. There was Smith Minor, the little swot. He’d probably taken their course as he was always top of the form. And then there was young Irving, spending the day practising his Nazi salute, obviously another beneficiary of their efforts. My catholic approach to life was clearly all wrong, I thought.

But there seemed to be so many interesting things out there in the world that would be missed by such single-mindedness. Pelmanism, as they called it, was not for me.

Books and mind-bending courses such as these have been a fruitful source of revenue to their peddlers for many years. But, to me, they are snake-oil salesman in the market place. It was not until, later in life when I entered the advertising business, that I realised that there was no such thing as truth in advertising. And that the Pelman Institute building was merely a mailing address in Regent Street.

One highly successful exponent of the art of telling people how to run their life was Norman Vincent Peale whose “Power of Positive Thinking” is credited by many with their success. Quite why it was felt necessary to “think positively” I could never understand. You try telling your bank manager that you’re thinking positively about reducing your overdraft and watch the expression on his face. But I suppose he never read the book. An acquaintance of mine has achieved tremendous success in life after an extremely traumatic childhood. He attributes his success to Mr. Peale’s admonitions but I think he does himself an injustice. I believe he would have done equally as well by himself. And, looking at Mr. Peale’s own life, it seems most of his own success came from flogging his book and preaching about it.

Dale Carnegie wrote “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” which won a lot of readers, but which I can assure you is a complete untruth. My wife has read the book several times with absolutely no change in her attitude towards me.

These thoughts were all triggered by my inability to make up my mind what to write about this morning. There are so many affairs running through my mind and, grasshopper like, I keep leaping from one to the other.

Should it be the incidence of radiation in Sushi bars? Something that I have always suspected and thus avoided, who really enjoys eating bait? Or the fact that in British hospitals you are likely to be dumped, either on a trolley or, if you’re lucky, in a ward filled with the opposite sex or possibly a few transvestites.

Or should it be with concern for the direction Britain is taking as a nation? This was epitomised by Steve Harmison’s opening delivery in the Ashes test down under, which was fielded by second slip without the benefit of intervention by batsman, pad or glove, rather like most of the government's policies.(Readers in the United States can apply for an explanation of this by sending me a stamped, addressed envelope).

I can’t seem to make up my mind.

I wonder if The Pelman Institute is still in business?