Saturday, May 26, 2007

Saving Great Britain

As there appears to be nobody on the bridge of the good ship SS Great Britain at the moment, I though I would step into the breach. I know you will all be grateful for this and, since I have not lived in that sceptr’d isle for a good many years, I have a more objective view of things.
In the London press I read a good deal of unsolicited advice to those of us in Europe on how to arrange matters better in our own country and it is only fair that we in turn should offer our assistance.
I don’t propose moving in to Number Ten Downing Street. It always looked a depressing back alley to me so I shall continue to administer the country from my cottage in rural France. But before you complain that I have not been democratically elected, look what happened the last time you tried it. Talk about a cockup!
Having representation for the people is OK I suppose, but all they do in the House of Commons is argue a lot. It’s not the way to get things done, so they’ll have to go. I doubt whether any of you will notice.
As for the House of Lords, it’s a great tourist gimmick, but W.S. Gilbert got it right when he wrote they “do nothing in particular and do it rather well.
In fact, surveying the whole of the arrangements you have for governing the country, about the only group I can see that has any commonsense is the Royal family. I shall arrange to have a chat with the Queen at the earliest opportunity and, over tea and cucumber sandwiches, I’m sure we can fix the place up for you between us.
Now for the main points of my manifesto.

This can be improved at a stroke by allowing teachers to smack recalcitrant kids around the earhole. This has been proven in years gone by to result in a tremendous improvement in academic performance. Attention deficit will be a thing of the past. Tree climbing will become mandatory. University entrants will be expected to be able to read, write and do simple arithmetic. Degrees in basket weaving etc. will be abolished.
As with education, allowing the Bobby on the beat to take appropriate action on the spot would prove efficacious and save him wasting time filling in forms at the station. They should be equipped with especially heavy boots for maximum effect.
National Service will be re-introduced immediately. This will relieve the police force of a large part of the problem mentioned above and will instill some sort of idea of behaviour and discipline into the youth of the nation. Drill sergeants will be given absolute carte blanche to handle this. Problem solved.
The railways should be re-nationalised immediately and all the steam engines re-commissioned since they don’t break down as often and are unaffected by leaves on the line and miniscule deposits of snow. The British Rail sandwich will be re-introduced in order to counter obesity, since no one will want to eat them.
On the roads, owners of all Chelsea tractors and similar vehicles will have them confiscated and replaced with Reliant Robins. Congestion will thus be avoided since many of them won’t start in the morning. The confiscated vehicles will be sold in Dubai.
Air travel will be organised by a team of consultants from Aeroflot. This will prevent any overcrowding at terminals in the future and contribute to my green policy by reducing the willingness of travellers to subject themselves to even more abuse than they suffer at present from BAA.
There will be none.
The public execution of Patricia Hewitt will take place on Tower Hill as soon as we can get an appointment. Many junior doctors are expected to be in attendance. Things should improve thereafter.
Foreign Policy.
As there has been none for the past ten years, almost anything I do will be an improvement. I don’t like caravan holidays, so there’s a plus for you.
Consumer Affairs.
All Tescos will be demolished.

I think you will agree that this is an outstanding programme that will put the “Great” back into Great Britain. I count upon your support.



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