Saturday, June 02, 2007

Serious Fraud

The Crown Prosecution Service has decided that there is insufficient evidence to charge Mr. Hugh Grant for assaulting a member of the paparazzi with baked beans. Personally, I feel that he should not have removed them from the can. There must, however, be more than enough documentary evidence for charging him with the far more heinous offence of masquerading as an actor.
A whole slew of films has exhibited his one facial expression to the exasperation of directors and viewers alike.
“Now Hughie, baby, let’s have an expression to show your feelings and emotions. No, not that one, we used that one in the last three movies. What’s that? It’s the only one you’ve got?.................Hey, Mac, bring on the dog, we’ll use a cutaway shot of him showing his emotions.”
But, come to think of it, there’s an entire cast of thousands out there doing much the same thing in the name of celebrity stardom.
Now if you, I or Mrs. Mcgintle from Number Seven across the street, set ourselves up as entertainers and took money from the public, the Old Bill would be round in a trice, fingering our collars and accusing us of taking money under false pretences.
Yet this is what is happening before our very eyes, as singers who can’t sing and actors who can’t act are propelled into stratospheric adulation by a public who must surely be blessed with cloth ears and a decidedly shaky appreciation of the thespian art.
The cinema and television are much to blame for this. Victorian music hall artists, along with players in Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, were kept very much on their toes and up to par with their performance by ribaldry in the first case and rotten fruit and vegetables in the second.
Sadly, these admirable performance improving aids are not available to most of the stars of today, who have to rely upon the anodyne reviews by the media, anxious to improve their circulation by not upsetting any fans.
An over ripe tomato would be a salutary comment on many a performance.
I realise that the Serious Fraud Office must be very busy at the moment looking into affairs in Downing Street but surely they could spare a few officers to investigate the dross being dished up to the paying public?
If that’s not Serious Fraud, I don’t know what is.

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